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An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self. - Harriet Lerner
Most people are involved in personal relationships characterized by emotional hunger, desperation, and an intense need for fusion, which seriously interfere with their developing genuine love, respect, and concern for each other. -
From Fear of Intimacy
Dr. Lisa Firestone speaking on “Characteristics of an Ideal Relationship” view now
 Why do most relationships fail?
It’s not due to the causes traditionally ascribed to the failure of marriages or relationships, such as religious incompatibilities, cultural differences, sexual difficulties, or financial problems. Relationships fail because of the psychological defenses each partner brings to the relationship. Most people say that they want love and positive acknowledgment, but relatively few people can tolerate real love and respect from another person because it threatens these defenses.
What are these defenses, and how do they interfere in developing intimate relationships?
The single most important factor that contributes to the deterioration of love and friendship in a relationship is the formation of a core defense called the fantasy bond. People who develop this type of destructive bond often deceive themselves and each other by imagining that they still love each other long after their feelings of love, affection, and friendship have diminished or disappeared altogether. Understanding the concept of the fantasy bond helps answer questions that are familiar to everyone, such as “Why did this love affair die?” or “Why did this marriage fail?”
How are these defenses reflected in intimate relationships?
People tend to recreate the past by selecting partners who are like people in their early lives. They do this through three major modes of defense: selection, distortion, and provocation. People tend to select partners who are similar in appearance, behavior, and defense patterns to one or another family member because these characteristics are familiar and are, therefore, comfortable. People distort perceptions of their partners in a direction that corresponds more closely to a particular member of the family of origin, either in a positive or negative direction. This causes friction in relationships. If these two methods fail to recreate the past and maintain the defense system, partners tend to manipulate each other in order to provoke reactions similar to those prevelent in their family of origin.
What are the characteristics of an ideal relationship?
An ideal relationship is characterized by non-defensiveness and openness; honesty and integrity; respect for the other’s boundaries, priorities and goals; physical affection and intimate sexuality; understanding, and a lack of distortion of the partner; and non-controlling, non-manipulative, and non-threatening behavior.
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